Waiting on “Real Life” to Start

Turning 30  has made me quite reflective as of late.  Probably in part because my life looks pretty much nothing like I thought it would at this stage.

My plans were to be married, already have my 5 children and probably have a little nook of a house in the country somewhere in the U.S., hopefully in the mountains and near a river.

Today I find myself living on an island near the equator in SE Asia.  Still childless.  Still single.  And living alone on the 13th floor of an apartment complex.

Apparently some things didn’t quite pan out like I’d hoped.

But I’m here to honestly, 100% say that I’m OKAY with that. I really am.

I’m actually THANKFUL that my life didn’t turn out like I planned.  And here’s part of the reason:

In my late teens and early 20s I somehow came came into agreement with a lie from the pits of hell that whenever I got married my real life would start.  That’s when life would begin.  That’s when I would be worth something.  I was waiting on a man to show me that I was valuable, and so at 18 years old I was already desperate to get married.  The thought of being alone would shake me to the core, and I had to push back that awful fear with extreme force because the possibility was just too much for me to even consider.

Now I don’t know when exactly I decided to believe these lies or precisely where they came from.

My parents never pushed me to date or told me that marriage was the highest goal.  My relationship with my father was solid so I didn’t have “daddy issues.”  My mom encouraged me to actually not be so focused on that.  But somewhere along the lines of daydreaming and struggling to find identity I believed the lies of the enemy.

Maybe it came from all the Disney movies that I was obsessed with as a child (and maybe still am…).  The prince comes in and rescues the damsel in distress and they live happily ever after.  One glance, one kiss, is all it all it would take and then BAM.  True love and happiness and security.

It could be in part that I grew up in an environment where a good majority of people that I looked up to got married in their late teens/early 20s. Isn’t this what’s supposed to happen?  I’d also get comments like, “By the time I was your age I was married with 2 kids.”  They weren’t meant to put me down, but they were careless remarks that should’ve been left unsaid.

And let’s not even get caught up on all the books and tv shows and commercials and magazines that place women’s value in the hand’s of a man’s glance.

Wherever the lies came from, they were deeply ingrained in my heart and tell all of us what our 20s are supposed to be like.

I felt like the odd one out.  I was doing everything “right” as a good little Christian girl.  I was saving myself for marriage.  I was reading my Bible and going to church.  I was active in my youth group.

I went to college after high school because that’s what I was supposed to do.  I was really just biding my time until he came along, and I could start living my real life.

Because you see, that’s what I wanted to be when I grew up – a wife.  Even though I was a good student, I never had big career goals and had little interest in a Bachelor’s degree because I had no vision for it, therefore no drive to obtain it.

Things started shifting for me in my early 20s when my singles Sunday school class (of about 3/4 people) went through a study on singleness.  It was though this study that I realized my “real life” was NOW.  I couldn’t wait around for this prince charming guy to come along.  I mean, where in the world was he anyways?!  My life had to shift as this new perspective began to take over.

Things didn’t magically change in a second.  It actually has taken years to reveal the depth of the lies that I believed, to uproot them and replace them with His truth.

I had opportunities to be in relationships or at least explore towards that, but I just never had peace about it so I’d always bow out when the opportunity came up.  I felt like I was always trying to make it fit, but it was never right.  And I had determined long ago that I would never settle.

It wasn’t until I was almost 25 that I was able to trust the Lord with my singleness and let Him lift that weight off my shoulders.  Cue signing up for the World Race.

Something shifted when taking that leap and being okay with guaranteeing my singleness for yet another year of my life.  I finally felt the freedom in being single that I’d only heard people talk about.  It was real!  I really could be okay with being single.  Wow.

New chapter.

As the journey has continued it’s been quite the roller coaster.  There have been so many moments and experiences that I achingly wished I could share with my future husband.  Things I longed to talk with him about.

Through these difficult times of feeling left alone, I now realize that the Father was drawing me to Himself.  He has actually been showing me who I am, who He has created me to be.  It’s been a beautifully painful journey of discovery and healing and taking courageous steps when I had no courage of my own.

He’s shown me that I don’t need a prince to rescue me.  I don’t need attention from a man to have value.  I don’t need a husband to fulfill me or complete me.

The Father has taken me through a journey of actually coming to a place of liking myself, of finding my value in Him, of taking away the fear of being alone by filling me in my deepest parts with His extravagant love and showing me that He is trustworthy and dependable.

Thank God I didn’t get married 10 years ago!  I would’ve set some poor man up for complete failure.  He would’ve never been able to fill my insecurities the way that God does.

I still believe that I will be a wife and a mother one day, and I’m filled with joyful anticipation for that season.  It’s not the desperate need any longer, but it’s a deep desire in it’s proper place in my heart now.

But as a friend recently told me, now I will be more than just a wife.  My identity will not be rooted in being a wife or a mother because it’s firmly grounded in who He declares that I am.

He is making me whole.  He is making me free to love and be loved.  He’s inviting me to dream big dreams.

So I’ve learned that we absolutely CANNOT compare one life to another.

Single or married, we’re all on a unique journey.  Whether you’re a stay at home mom with children hanging off your limbs and dark circles under your eyes, or a lawyer living in a high rise in NYC or a woman traipsing around the world with Jesus – your life is important.

This season is purposeful.

Don’t skip today dreaming about tomorrow.

As the lovely and wise Betsy Garmon once admonished, “Be women of faith and not fantasy…Be in your life.”

So take heart dear ones.  Take courage all you single ladies and men.  Lift your eyes to Jesus.

It’s actually not so much about what we’re doing, but it’s all about who we’re becoming in the process.

I know it’s not easy.  There are still theses deep longings inside of us.  There will still be those lonely nights, those dateless weekends and those solo trips to the movies.  Let’s not avoid the pain, but let’s press into it and allow Him to form something valuable in us.

You are loved and valuable and capable because of Jesus, not because of anyone else.

He created us for eternity.  This life is just a breath.

Let’s live it to the fullest and not sit around and wait for someone else to tell us we’re okay before we start living fully.

Through the blood of Jesus we are enough, we are loved and we are valuable. 

Don’t wait another minute.

Live fully and joyfully today.





Merriam-Webster.com defines hunger as this:


  1.  a:  a craving or urgent need for food or a specific nutrient
     b:  an uneasy sensation occasioned by the lack of food
     c:  a weakened condition brought about by prolonged lack of food

  2.  a strong desire :craving<a hunger for success

It is more than a peaked interest in something.

It’s a need.

It’s a craving.

It reveals a lack or weakness and shows a strong desire

I recently read an article on a 13 month starvation study that began in Minnesota in November of 1944.  This study revealed alarming data about the short term and long term effects of hunger and starvation.

Ancel Keys said “Rather than focusing simply on the nutritional requirements for re-feeding a starving person, he wanted to offer insight on how starvation (or in this case, ‘semi-starvation’) alters “the changes in motivation, then the behavioral consequences of the physical changes, and finally, the emotional, intellectual, and social changes which so profoundly influence the personality.”

I’m looking at this and mulling over how it might connect to hunger for certain things in our own lives, not just in the physical but regarding the spiritual as well.

We crave power and influence.

We need affirmation from people to feel valuable.

We’ll do almost anything to have more money and possessions than our neighbors.


I believe part of it is because we are craving after what we’ve had a taste of.

If I’ve never heard of chocolate or tasted it, it would never be something that I went to the grocery story specifically to buy.

Exponentially so in a Western society we live in a modern day culture that stirs our appetite for sex, money and power.  The media is constantly feeding us messages that we aren’t skinny enough, that we’re not desirable, that we must prioritize ourselves above others and that we deserve to instantaneously receive everything we want at no cost to us.

Our appetites are whetted for the carnal.

It all sounds so promising.

If we just get that new car or that boyfriend THEN it’ll all come together and our lives will be meaningful and we’ll be okay with who we are.

If that person would just apologize, then we could let go and move on and feel better.

We hunger after validation, vindication, relationships and all the things society promises will correct the discontent in our hearts.

This is what we have been fed.  This is what we’ve been programmed to hunger after.  Most of us don’t know any better, and we’re all too easily satisfied.


Unless we’ve had a taste of something sweeter.  Unless our appetite has been awakened and re-wired for something more satisfying.

Hunger motivates us.  When we’re hungry for food, we do what it takes to satisfy that desire.  It becomes a priority to us.  We lay aside other things to meet that need.

What would it look like to hunger after the things of God?  And how can we actually increase our amount of hunger for more of Him and His kingdom?

Like the article states, physical hunger alters things in us.  It alters our motivations.  It can cause us to have emotional, social and intellectual shifts that actually influence our personalities.

I belive that as we begin to get a taste of what will actually fulfill, sustain and satisfy us  we will be changed.  Our priorities will shift.  Our social life will look different.  Our emotions and our mind will be renewed as we feed upon the truth of God.

Psalm 34:8 “Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good!”


The Smell of Christmas

Today I want to share a raw piece of my heart, and a part of the downside of my life that you won’t see from my social media highlight reel and others that have found themselves going down a more off-beaten path.

There are two sides (at least) to everyone’s story.

Let’s never forget that.

I was recently attending a wedding in Singapore and the 8-course evening wedding dinner was well underway when I decided I needed to stretch my legs, go to the restroom and take a break from the loads people. This is quite normal for me at big events or parties. My introverted side kicks in, and I need a little quiet time and reflection alone so that I can recharge a bit and go back in and enjoy the rest of the evening.

I was on my way back in to the celebration when an unannounced smell invaded my senses.


 The dinner venue was at the Gardens by the Bay, and they were setting up for the holidays. The walk from the bathroom to the dinner venue shared the airspace with a section of the open gardens, and they were setting up a huge Christmas tree.

I couldn’t leave. I needed to smell this smell…well…forever if possible. Memories came flooding back, and I began thinking back over past Christmases and thinking about being in Asia this Christmas instead of at home. The tears began to well up. I kind of tried to hold them back, to keep them under control. After all people were walking back and forth behind me, and there I was leaning over the edge of the walkway in a floor-length black dress and heels trying to breath in as much fir tree as possible while I had the chance, all the while trying to keep my thoughts and emotions under control.

I finally decided not to stifle and stuff. I needed to cry. Like really cry.

I didn’t want to wander too far off so I just went around the corner and up the stairs.   I spotted a large stand of sorts with 3 flower arrangements on top.   I initially thought I’d just sit on top, but then people could still see me. And at this point I wanted the filter off and the freedom to release.

So behind the stand and onto the floor I went. Sequins and heels and all.

And I cried.

Honestly, sometimes it just sucks when you miss those familiar faces and places and takes and smells from home. What’s almost just as hard is that a lot of times there’s no one physically present that can relate and grieve with you.  Those are the tricky, upside down feeling times where leaning on Jesus is essential.

This time this year these little moments seem to be a bit more frequent than I’m comfortable with. With Fall, Winter, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year all jammed into the span of a couple of months the longing for the special flavors and moments that my heart crave just aren’t as easily accessible as I’m used to.

I want boots and scarves and flannel and live Christmas trees and all things pumpkin.  I want to see trucks with 4-wheelers loaded into the truck bed and camo covered men at the gas stations, and yes, I’m even missing the sound of football games coming from the TV (thanks, Daddy), but most of these things are out of my reach in the ways that I long for them.

Thanksgiving hit me hard in a lot of ways. A wonderful American family invited me over to celebrate. There was a mix of nationalities around the table, but the family’s traditions and dishes mirrored so much of my own family’s. Several times that day I had to leave the room to blow my  snotty nose and dry my unrelenting river of tears. There was such a bitter sweetness in it. Missing home and family but also being filled with thankfulness for the Father’s thoughtfulness, faithfulness and provision in every area of my life.

I was in awe of Him.

I grew up with a family that did this well – inviting others into our home. My parents have always loved on everyone that’s walked through our back door and made them feel at home. There’s always room for more at the table. Being the recipient of this kind of love and hospitality all over the world has made me increasingly appreciate that. I believe I’m reaping the benefits of what my parents have sown.

So I encourage you this holiday season to love on the “strays” around you.   Send a card to that friend that took a job away from home and doesn’t have the luxury of being nestled in their treasured familiarity this Christmas. Even if someone isn’t overseas for the holidays, even if they’re only one state away from their roots, believe me they are craving to be included and loved on and seen.

God is just so faithful. That’s all there is to it! It’s a part of Who He IS.

Through all the highs and lows one key thing I’m learning is that HE IS HOME.

“Jesus said, ‘Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for My sake and for the sake of the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life.’”

Mark 10:29-30

When Push Comes to Shove

Knowing something in our heads is much different than truly believing something.  I’m actually surprised at myself sometimes by the things that bubble up, from somewhere deep, deep down inside of me.

I know so many of God’s truths.  It’s super easy to read a Scripture or echo one, but it’s a different thing altogether when we’re face to face with situations where what’s rooted in our hearts comes unexpectedly into the light, and it doesn’t match up with what we say is truth.

Our initial reactions have a way of revealing what’s in our hearts

We’ve stepped out in faith before and seen God move our “mountains” and pave the way before us, but when we’re settled in and comfortable and change comes into our lives abruptly and unwelcome why is it so easy to put up a fight and default to unbelief and fear?

I know the truth in my head, but what comes up in my heart and my emotions doesn’t always match up immediately with that.

For the most part I make decisions out of my thinker side and not my feeler side.  Even though I may feel very passionate or emotionally attached to a situation, I pretty much immediately know the logical decision that should be made and thus my head usually wins out over my emotions or heart attachments.

In some ways I’m very thankful for this.  It’s generally my default and allows me to push forward through hard circumstances and enables me to make solid decisions that I don’t regret later.

But then sometimes, so out of the blue it seems, when my guard is down and I’m talking about something or I encounter a situation where what’s really in my heart comes flooding out, then I’m forced to see a disconnect.

It’s not particularly pleasing.

I’m also learning that it’s not the end of the world.  It doesn’t mean that I’ve screwed up and failed the test.  It means that I’m  human and I’m still in process…just like everyone else.  We will never “arrive” this side of Jesus’ return.  It’s a part of sanctification, a part of being formed into the likeness of Christ.

I’ve come face to face with these struggles lately in the midst of transition, of waiting, of seeking, and waiting some more.  Sometimes I get down on myself for not being where I want to be in my faith, for not having things all figured out and for doubting Him…again.

During these times we must strategically put our hope in Him.  We must be remembers of what He’s already done in our lives and use that to propel us forward into the next season.  He has never abandoned us before, so how could He start now?

It’s not in His character to break promises or be unfaithful to us.

Many people that I know are in quite intense seasons of waiting on the Lord and transitioning and stepping into unknown territory.  Some days we feel like we’re on the verge of drowning, gasping in just enough air to survive until we get swept back under the waves again.

We feel in over our heads and unsure of the road ahead.

I can’t promise that the path will be easy.  There will be heartache and pain and most likely more questions than answers.

But He’s proven to me yet again that He is faithful.  He is the One leading us and guiding us.

My heart is shaken when I look to the uncertain things of the world instead of into the steadfast eyes of my Father.  It is there, eyes locked with His, that the fear and confusion melt away.  It is there in His presence that I find peace and rest.

He didn’t go anywhere.  He didn’t change.  We just tend to get antsy in the waiting.

I’ve also found comfort and encouragement in community.  The enemy whispers lies to us that we’re alone and no one understands and that silence and isolation is the best solution to getting through these times.  It’s simply not true though.

Be encouraged, friend.  You are not alone.  There is a point to all of this.  We are being refined in the process.  We are growing and maturing and deepening our roots, learning to lean into Him.  So instead of fighting the process, let’s dig in.

There is hope.

“I believe (confirm, support) that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living!  Wait (look eagerly, expect) for the LORD; be strong (bold, alert), and let your heart take courage (grow strong); wait (look eagerly, expect) for the LORD!”

Psalm 27:13-14


Just When You Think You’ve Got It Together

I would like to share with you a bit of my journey involving the area of entitlement.

It’s something that I’ve learned quite a lot about the last several years, and the Lord has done major renovating in my life to get rid of it.  But ya know, just when you think you’ve got it together and figured out, there it is again.


Merriam-Webster defines it like this: the condition of having a right to have, do or get something; the feeling or belief that you deserve to be given something (such as special privileges) 

It’s always when you think that you really understand something or don’t struggle with it anymore when it has a tendency to sneak back into your life without you recognizing it.

 Ever so slowly, into a different nook of your life than before the disease makes it’s way in.

Unnoticed.  Unattended to.

That’s what happened to me a few months ago.  I was minding my own business, watering the plants and listening to a podcast.

The podcast was Faith vs. Entitlement by Bill Johnson.  I was unprepared for the chord that it struck deep within my heart.

The Spirit showed me an area where I very much was struggling with entitlement.  As I took a step back and looked at my life it made complete sense.  I was struggling with anger and frustration towards God about marriage.

When would it be my turn?  Hadn’t I done my part and “patiently” waited?  Hadn’t I been a good enough girl?

I felt like I had held up my end of the deal and done a good job with relational boundaries and purity.  So when was the pay off going to come?

 I felt very entitled to get married.

I felt like I had earned it and therefore God owed it me.
Of course I didn’t realize what was going on in my heart until the Holy Spirit came in with His gentle yet sharp conviction.  All of a sudden things came into focus, and I realized how off track my heart had gotten.
It is only by the grace of God and His Spirit that lives in me that I have limited relationship baggage.  
I believe that the Father has truly been my shield.  He’s protected me from many side paths that I’ve wanted to go down.  
I haven’t earned the right to have a great husband.  I do believe that my Father has one in store for me, but not because I’ve been awesome.  It’s because I’m His daughter.  I can’t do anything that would make Him love me more.  I can’t do one thing that will win me more favor with Him than I already have.  That’s the beauty of being His daughter.  
Always loved.  Always accepted.  Always adored.  Always the apple of His eye.
It’s when I step out of this and start believing that my works are earning me something good that the danger comes in.
Our hearts must be in a continual posture of being poor in spirit.  
Meaning, we must know that every good and perfect thing is from Him.  We are completely bankrupt on our own.  BUT in Him we have a full inheritance.  
He wants to bless us and increase us and give us good things.  But if He pours out His blessings upon us when we think that we are entitled to them, then they will crush us.
What was intended as a blessing will become our ruin.  
God loves us way too much to do that to us.
It is only when we are humble and poor in spirit that our hearts have the capacity to steward the blessings of God.  Then we can enjoy and use those blessings rightly, recognizing Who they come from and using them for the benefit of the Kingdom of God.
It’s a strange yet freeing thing to strip off our performance, works based mindset and enter into walking as a loved and accepted son or daughter.  
When can only see ourselves rightly when we have a right view of God.
We must recognize who God is, who we are without Him, and then ultimately who we are after we’ve been cleansed by the precious blood of Jesus.  Everything will come into alignment when we truly know the heart of God.
Let’s keep our hearts soft towards Him and not get puffed up about the things we can accomplish, as if God gives us gold stars for our works.
Life is fuller when lived in the freedom of His light.  No strings attached.
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God.”
Matthew 5:3

This Crazy Little Thing Called Love

My perception of love gets blurred sometimes by romantic comedies, fairytales, country music and maybe even One Direction if I’m being honest.

In our highly sexual culture the meaning becomes watered down and about as deep and dirty as a mud puddle.

This past Valentine’s Day, the day that celebrates love, I was reminded of a few characteristics and expressions of authentic love.

Of course this isn’t all-inclusive. It’s just a bit of what I’ve drawn from my experiences and how I view it through my lens.


Love is deeper and wider and higher than we can ever imagine it.

I believe it’s more than a fleeting feeling.

I know for certain that it’s more than infatuation.

Sincere love isn’t dependent on circumstances or behavior.

Enduring love, that deep kind that makes your heart ache with pain or joy, is willing to make sacrifices.

Love gives without agenda, expecting nothing in return.

Love is committed. Steady. Unfailing.

Love doesn’t have to understand.

I don’t think that love is blind. I believe when someone truly loves you it’s because they see your weaknesses and your strengths. They’ve seen you at your best and at your worst, and in the end they’ve decided that you’re worth it.

Love is considerate.

Love isn’t inconvenienced by sacrifices but is always seeking the good of the other person.

Love always forgives.

Love calls you out and up into the person you were created to be, even if when it’s uncomfortable.

Love is mysterious.

Love is always watching, always waiting, always longing for the wayward and lost to return.

Love doesn’t define you by your past but sees your story as a window to your soul.

Love never manipulates, condemns or tries to control.

Love works long hours and takes risks for the benefit of others.

Love doesn’t pacify for the sake of keeping a false peace.

Love is patient and kind.

Love holds back your hair when you’re throwing up in the middle of the night.

Love challenges you and spurs you on.

Love is an action verb.

Love listens.

Love slips a note in your suitcase before you leave.

Love always has your best interest at heart.

Love wakes you up while giving you a kiss goodbye before leaving for work in the morning.

Love is longsuffering and steadfast.

Love covers over a multitude of sins.

Love never fails.

Today I am more thankful than ever for the ways that my family and friends and my Creator Father have loved me & for what they’ve taught me about love.

As long as there is love, we have the inspiration and the strength we need to keep hoping and living abundantly.  As long as there is love there will be joy in this journey.

“And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.”   ~  I Corinthians 13:3  ~

Control, Trust and Our Little Boxes

My current car-less lifestyle has caused me to slow way down.  The previous two months I was running like crazy, sometimes coming and going from my place 5 different times a day.  It’s not my favorite way to do life, but I had briefly committed to more than I should have.  My life these past few weeks has looked drastically different, but I think it’s just what the Father intended. He’s sneaky like that.

Things have been bubbling up the past several months. My car breaking down (again) only 4 days after I returned from the U.S. seemed to be the final straw to me realizing that all of my self-perceived control over my life had been taken away.  Maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but it’s how I felt.

I never really thought that I needed or even liked to be in control, and in a lot of outward areas in my life I honestly don’t.  I can be very go with the flow.  I can adjust to new circumstances and cultures without a whole lot of difficulty, and I believe that I’m a fairly easy person to get along with.  When plans change I’m pretty adaptable.

But apparently there are lots of areas in my life where it absolutely drives me crazy that I am not in control, and the realization of that has been a bit of a tough pill to swallow.

This process has been wrecking me.

I like to know what the expectations are of me and be able to meet them.  I like to know the rules so that I can play the game and win fairly.  Dos and don’ts help me know if I’m doing things the right way and measuring up – to others standards, God’s and my own.  I prefer things to be straightforward.

The reality is that much of life and journeying with Jesus isn’t like this.  My 20s have been quite eye opening.

The more I know the Father, the more I don’t actually know, and things aren’t as cut and dry as I once believed.

God is not inside the box that I’ve created for Him.  When I look for Him there these days He’s no where to be found.

For a girl who’s been a pretty dedicated Christian for the past 17 years this has caused a huge perspective shift, worldview change and a major lifestyle alteration.

My black and white Christianity no longer exists.  That cookie cutter has been broken. All of those grey areas that I previously wanted to avoid don’t seem (quite) as scary anymore.  Believe me though, a few years ago they terrified me.

Just to clarify, I in no way mean that I don’t believe in absolute truth.  I 100% do.  There are many non-negotiables and straightforward Biblical teachings.

I’m talking about the grey areas.  The “room for interpretation” areas.  The preferences.  The cultural and societal norms of right and wrong and this way or that way.  Traditions that are taught as truth. Personal standards held up and imposed as the standard.

God continues to tear away at my precious box. He gently encourages me to keep opening up my hands and loosen my grip on those things that I can’t control anyway.

When I stop and look at it, He’s actually leading me into more freedom.

In the process it’s revealing my heart and showing me that deep down I still don’t trust God as much as I thought I did with particular areas of my life.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control are the fruits of the Spirit, of someone walking in step with the Father. When we find ourselves bearing the “fruits” of anxiety, worry, stress, hopelessness, depression or apathy we should pay attention and not let these things go unchecked in our lives.

For me personally, some of these “fruits” have highlighted my control and trust issues. I know that this is not how I am made to live. I am made for abundant life. Life full and overflowing. A life filled with faith and hope and love. A life of freedom and joy.   To love and to be loved for who I’ve been created to be.

We all are.

We have to decide who’s worth our trust. We must throw fear back into the pits of hell. We have to learn to lean into hope and faith.

Let’s let go of control and step into deeper trust.  Let’s wade through the muddy waters together and find out who God really is and how that changes everything.

Things most likely won’t turn out like we plan, but I have a hunch that in the end we’ll look back and say that it was worth it.